Apparently I can’t do it all….

I am going to be totally straight with you guys right now. I love Kim Kardashian. Not only do I think she is SMOKING HOT….I think she is brilliant. I think her sisters are beautiful and I think her mother is a money making/marketing BEAST and I love them. I love this family. You can hate on them all you want for flaunting their bodies….their beauty and their famous last name…all while you do your own laundry and cook your own food…..because they have better things to do….like be millionaires. You may think they are terrible human beings because they have a better butt than you but one thing they are NOT….is stupid. Even if Kim is an ugly crier….because she is. Sorry Kim. When I was working full time, I constantly battled with traditional (aka lame) PR firms over how to connect with our targeted demographic….REAL, QUALIFIED consumers and once referred to the Kardashian marketing strategies in a meeting….it didn’t go well. Anyway, this girl knows what she’s doing when it comes to selling….whatever it is she sells. I’m buying it. Lip gloss. Shoes. Waist trainers. Mascara. I don’t care. Just take my money. So…….when I saw this meme it really resonated…because I love Kim and I am not sane.


If you read our blog (just pretend you do because it makes me feel good) you know that I missed Week 14’s Meal Plan and while no one might reads this or actually follows my meal plans it really kicked me in the ass that I missed a meal plan. To me, that meant I failed. I failed you…the imaginary people I pretend read this blog. So, imaginary people, you may remember when I wrote “…after deciding to leave the workforce and stay at home I felt a bit guilty….like I let my “sisters” down by “giving up” my career to stay at home….and felt like I gave up my right or my voice….like I  had set us back…or let down all the women who fought so hard to give me so many opportunities.” and some days this still holds true but I really do know in my heart that taking a hiatus from my career was the right move for me and my family at the time. However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t second guess and criticize this decision A LOT. There are days where I feel like Lucy would be better off if she was still in daycare with formally trained and educated teachers. Or that I don’t hold Eli enough or talk to him enough or read to him enough because I’m painting rainbows and unicorns with my psychotic threenager. Or that I swear to God my dog is depressed because half the time I forget I let him out back.

You grow up (or at least I did #millennialprobs) hearing “you can be whatever you want” or “if you work hard enough, you can do anything you want”….but it’s just not true….and I’m not talking about running for President guys….I’m talking about washing your hair more than once every two weeks. I fear that I have come to the conclusion that I simply can’t be at home with my kids full time, maintain my career by running my own business part time, have a social life, work out, make healthy-ish dinners without starving my children, teach tiny humans to be decent, have a clean home that is full of educational toys & resources and smells like fresh baked cookies instead of baby shit, contribute to a blog, maintain mediocre hygiene standards all while trying to remember to have sex with my husband and NOT ABSOLUTELY 100% LOSE MY SHIT. I just can’t. There is not enough wine in the world that can make it happen. Trust me. I’ve tried….I am actively trying right now and I am failing. So what gives? I can’t starve my children….I love my husband….I already avoid having a social life by pretending that going to the zoo is me being social (mom hack). I need to work out….like bad you guys…I don’t call em’ ham hocks for nothing. I already don’t wash my hair or shave my legs….so mediocre hygiene standards are long gone. My work is important to me….I like it. I’m good at it and I will go back. I like this blogging thing. I do. I didn’t think I would but I do. Sometimes when I am working through something I will think about “it” as being good content for the blog….and it actually helps me process whatever it is I am dealing with in a much more tangible way than flailing in the wind clenching a bottle of rose in my hand. I don’t want to give any of it up but it’s catching up with me. Once again….I don’t know what the solution is or if there even is a solution in which I don’t have to give something up but I know people who do it. Like real people. Who are my friends.

I worked with a woman who had a baby, was a single mother, worked her way up, started her own company, met the love of her life, remodeled their home, bought a boat, sold her home and bought a bigger boat, continues to dominate in her industry all while travelling the open seas with her husband and dog while her daughter attends college.

Or I have this annoying girlfriend who has two boys 5 & under, who works out every day, cooks, cleans, is social, thoughtful, kind, funny (did I mention annoying)….works part time as a consultant….writes a blog or two, travels, brushes her hair <<< SAY WHAAAAT???!!! She doesn’t even break a sweat….I swear to God she texts me recipes in her sleep….or she doesn’t sleep….or she’s a vampire.

Or how about our very own Amy of Milk & Mascara….two kids…works for an amazing non-profit that changes lives…is a yoga instructor….has an amazing body….and skin (see how she gets it here)….takes her kids on wonderfully magical adventures….blogs….is kind and funny and an amazing wife to an engineer who insists on building hover crafts and backyard hobbit villages with zip lines all while staying home full time with a stupidly beautiful smile on her face.

I could keep going. These people are out there. They’re magical unicorns and I don’t know how they do it all. I want to be them when I grow up but I’m 30 now and I’m still hiding in the pantry eating cookies on the daily….soooooo there’s that. Anyway, sorry I missed Week 14….it won’t happen again (just kidding – it totally will). I’ll post Week 14 tomorrow. Thank you for being patient and understanding imaginary friends. Love you all!