I am an addict ….or something like that.
It’s true….I am an addict. I am addicted to….all the things. In all seriousness…I am a product of addicts. I come from a long line of alcoholics, drug addicts, etc. My Grandparents on both sides, Uncles, Aunts, parents & siblings. It would have been difficult to avoid. So, not only do I have an addictive personality but addiction is in my DNA. However, my “struggle” with addiction is a little different then what you might expect. I am well aware of the normal prospects of addiction…alcohol….drugs…prescriptions pills and such. Been there done that. I am even aware of the less susceptible addictions….social media…money…gambling, etc. I am cognizant of the risks associated with all of these. These (thank God) aren’t my problem(s). Where I can’t seem to find balance….is in….well….all other areas of my life. I am all in. All the time. 100%. There is no in between. I live in black and white. I’m in or I’m out. I love or I hate. It’s intense. Exhausting. All consuming. It’s my form of addiction I guess? Perhaps addiction isn’t the right word. Or the right terminology. I have no concept of balance. Maybe balance is the word I am looking for. Let’s go with that….I have no concept of balance….but what does that even mean? If one were to have balance? I’m serious.
My problem is that I can’t casually or recreationally pursue anything. There is a little bit of peace that comes with being able to admit this….or recognize it. Friendships….relationships….employment….all of it….I AM ALL IN. It may take me a while to figure it out or to commit but once I’m there…that’s it. I’m in. There is no turning back. I love fiercely. If working….I am a workaholic. If shopping….I am a shopaholic. When I started my journey as a Stay at Home Mom, there was no down time…I went from 0 to 60 in 2.3 seconds. You know my heartfelt post about #selflove last week? Well, I did it. I went to the local athletic club. I joined and I have been to the gym 5 out of the past 6 days. I am so sore I am currently trustfalling on to the toilet. I have sent an email to ownership on how they can improve their childcare and have already mapped out my classes for the next 30 days. I have committed to the gym in such a way that I now feel guilty for spending money on the membership or spending time away from my kids….or husband. Or another example is Revel Strategies….I started to pick up some consulting work (to keep my resume somewhat relevant) and I have full blown started my own business. Same goes for religion….I am either a full blown bible thumper or a full blown sinner. As most of you know….I like to keep a clean house. I’m not just talking “picked up” clean either. I’m talking bleach and q-tip clean. My friend Joe lovingly coined it as obsessive compulsive….neurotic….cray cray….call it what you will but I lack balance. I could name several more examples to prove my point but if you don’t get it by now….well you just don’t get it. The simplest way I can put it is I AM ALL IN…ALL THE TIME. It’s a good thing I don’t do drugs or I’d be shooting heroin on the regular.
In 6 days…..I am fully addicted to the gym. I crave it. I feel good you guys. I like it and I hear you….it’s ONLY 6 days….but in those 6 days….I have neglected housework….my marriage….my goals because I have directed my “neuroticness” towards something new….it’s like a new “high”….if you will. On Saturday….during nap time….a time where Andrew and I would usually tackle a house project….lay on the couch and take a nap together or catch up on our favorite TV show….I rushed off to the gym to get in a work out. This was/is usually a time we look forward to all week. We don’t do anything special but we’re together….and that’s enough. Insert guilt here. Andrew was of course supportive and proud of me for my newfound commitment to the gym but I felt like I should have taken that opportunity to be with him. I felt guilty for choosing the gym. There is that word again. Guilt. Was I wrong for taking the opportunity to do something for myself? No, of course not. Right? But how often do Andrew and I get to have a few hours just to ourselves? Not often. Not often enough. So am/was I being selfish? I still don’t know the answer to this. On one hand no….and on the other yes. In planning out my week….I decided I couldn’t go to the gym on Wednesday AND Thursday because it wouldn’t be fair to put the kids in childcare two days in a row. Right? Wrong? I seriously don’t know. Is there even an answer? I talked about wanting to prioritize my marriage….to a man I adore….and yet I was choosing to go to the gym rather than spend time with him. What a hypocrite?!?! If it’s not the gym…it’s cooking….or blogging….or consulting….or totschooling. I enjoy all of these things and none of things are “bad” for me but it’s how I approach them. I am so intense….in everything I do. I used to reference this as a strength in the professional world…and it was a strength. You were lucky to have me on your team….you would never find someone more dedicated, loyal and committed but in my personal life, this trait has evolved in to what I am starting to think may be a detriment….to my mental health. In a world where we want to do it all….with good intentions…..how do you find balance in your life?
P.S. Candice made me change my picture because she felt like I was seducing her.